Reminisce: Jean’s POV
by Joy Howlett
Summary: Jean's thoughts of her return as she finds her "pieces". One-shot.


**Title:** Reminisce: Jean's POV

**Summary: **Jean finds her "pieces" and plans on coming home. She looks back at her memories and makes a promise for change.

**A/N: **I haven't been on this site for over two years, but that's life and major writer's block for you. I recently became inspired to write once again and had this fic on my external hard-drive for the longest time. Originally had chapters, but opted to do a one-shot instead. I'm working on another fanfic but in the _Evolution_ series. Enjoy.

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__A fire-shaped bird flying around space while pondering her past and her future._

Have you ever wondered to yourself if you actually mattered to the world? If you have died or never seem to exist, will the world continue on or crumble at your absence? I have thought of it many times before, but then again I have died more than once.

My name is Jean Grey. I am also known as the Phoenix.

I am the daughter of John and Elaine Grey; baby sister to Sara; aunt to Gailyn and Joey Bailey; mother to Rachel; stepmother to Nathan; estranged wife to Scott Summers. I've been gone for a few years now. I have been on this journey looking for my "pieces" to put myself together again. Soon, I will be coming home to Earth.

I have been finding myself the whole time I have been gone. I have reached the highest level as an avatar to the Phoenix - Phoenix of the White Crown. I have made the ultimate merge. I am Phoenix and Phoenix is me. We are one. Sometimes it sucks. It affected everybody around me - positive and negative.

As I find more and more of myself, my **true** self, I have forgotten who I was. Before my powers. Before the X-men. Before Scott. Before Phoenix. I couldn't remember who I was. I was a free-spirit, independent, caring, strong-minded person. All of my qualities were challenged as time went on. The way I see it, I was young and naïve. I will admit it, especially the naïve part.

I felt that my heart and my mind were never on the same page. It tore me apart. It tore everybody around me apart. But I did it for what's best for everybody. I probably did it for myself mostly. I hate myself.

This time I will not torture myself again. No more denial. I **will **make my decisions. I **will **make my choices. I **will **face the consequences, even if I will get hurt by them. That's life. That's life.

As I go on finding my "pieces", I occasionally run into someone I care for. As much as I enjoy seeing them, I realized why. They were having a near-death experience. I could not let that happen. It was not their time.

My first encounter was with Ororo. I haven't seen her in awhile because we were in different teams and different missions. I miss our time together.

In 'Ro's mind, we were talking what every woman talked about – love. We talked about my failed marriage, but I managed to turn the tables on her. A childhood love came back into the picture. She was scared about falling in love again. I still remember her relationship with Forge.

_*Flashback*_

_The first time 'Ro and Forge ended their relationship, the device Forge made to help 'Ro back to health was stripping her powers away. The second time it ended, Forge proposed to 'Ro, but she hesitated. He left before she even gave him an answer. She was going to say "yes." It was too late._

*Present*

When 'Ro was near death, she revealed that she was not sure about having a family. She was scared that it will fail. I told her it wouldn't. I told her every positive explanation I could come up with from "follow your heart" to "don't look at my failed marriage as an example." She ran off before I found out what decision she had made. She was alive and fighting for me the last time I saw her. I guess she said "yes" to T'Challa.

Logan was a surprise to see. Even with his healing factor, I forget that if it's too much he could actually die. I somehow encountered him twice in a short period of time. He was better than that. He shouldn't be that reckless since my absence, but then again it's Logan.

Somehow he thought he was dreaming. The truth is, I was actually "there" with his other loved ones and one angry man.

_*Flashback*_

_He wondered why he sees me. I told him that it could be that I am the greatest love of his life or that he associates me with death and resurrection. He asked where "here" is._

_I asked which "here" he was referring to – afterlife or the soul. _

_He asked why I answered him with a question._

_I told him that the questions are the answers and beyond the light lays all the answers. Lazarous was waiting to get his revenge which will make Logan die altogether if he'd lost. He didn't and eventually went back to the living. I feel that he hated making that kind of a choice. It was a win-lose situation. He wins by killing Lazarous, but loses that he would not be able to see his loved ones in a long while._

*Present*

I'm glad he chose life, as much as he is not enjoying it at this time. But who am I going to vent my frustrations onto if he was not around? I must admit, I really do miss him. I really need to figure out how to redeem myself after what I could have done before I died. I can't believe I threw myself at him. I did it out of desperation. I really hate myself.

I haven't seen Rachel, so I could guess that she's doing fine. She must have been heart broken when she found out that I have passed, but she's strong. I admire her for that. She knows I'll be back. This time I want to spend more mother-daughter time with her. That's a promise.

I haven't seen Scott either. I hope he's doing well. I hope nobody is giving him too much lip about his sudden relationship with Emma. I will probably be explaining that with everyone why I seem fine with them together. I better start thinking of an explanation now.

To think of it, I need to figure out what to do once I get back to Earth. Should I go straight to the mansion or somewhere else?

With all of the disturbances that I have sensed, maybe its better I hold back before making my appearance. Should I go to the Fantastic Four like what happened last time? Maybe I should. I just need to find a way to not make my presence known and not inform the X-men.

I need time to adjust to the changes that had happened on Earth. I felt a lot of things that seemed wrong or out of place. I need to be ready.


End file.
